I’ve always been a person who takes a harder time to let go of things. I cling onto anything with memories and refuse to let go until I’m left with no choice. It’s been a year since the day I confirmed my retaining in year one and I really don’t know how to go about feeling about it. :/
Because right now, almost all my friends in jc are celebrating the end of their As and doing all the cool stuffs!
–when I know clearly that :
I could have been like them right now,
IF I HAD WORKED HARDER.
I could be right now
-celebrating with my friends, drinking away and talking.
-in a chalet spending fun BBQ nights together under the stars.
-dancing away at prom night.
-working part time of a job that I love. ( most probably relates to animals )
-taking driving lessons.
-giving tuition.
-earning my first pay.
-planning to get my first personal laptop.
And so, so many more.
The could haves, the would have beens.
And YES. I admit that I do feel a least bit jealous. Seeing all the photos and all….really makes me regret.
BUTTT. At the same time, I am still happy for all my jc friends! You all deserved it! 
I know that I should be glad and happy that I was given a extra chance to redo my first year cos my foundation would be better, but I think that’s cancelled out by all the expectations set upon us group of retainees. Failure is absolutely not allowed from any of us now, we should be by right be at the cream of the crop next year ahead from the rest who did not retain etc. Hearing such things over and over again gets me feeling teary after a while. The feeling sucks. And each time when the results come out, my whole being will be anxious about being the top, but to crumble down knowing that I’m not even close to that.
And why am I even typing all of this shit out? Its my way of letting out my feelings. I don’t even know why I’m feeling jealous of other people in the first place when I have no right to, cos I just didn’t make the cut at the right time. Maybe it’s because I miss the feeling of being together as a cohort. Even though we don’t really get along but the feel of familiarity is there. Sigh.
I shouldn’t think so much anymore.
Cos I know who’s to blame.
Nobody, nobody but me!
Omg, can’t believe I came out with such a lame thing. -.-
I shall move on (try to). For one last time.
